I figured with the launch of my new website, I would make my first post a little personal.
The other day I went to visit my sweet friend, we talked for hours as we usually do and we shared what was going on in our lives. Before I left she said this to me, “different doesn’t mean mediocre Deanna, it’s just different…”
I loved hearing what she said, and as I was driving home from our visit I kept saying those words over and over in my head. She was absolutely right. God’s intention for my life is not to live a mediocre life, but to thrive, to be happy and to show others love and the power of forgiveness.
I have never been the type of person to share personal struggle on the web. I’m private for the most part, but if we meet then you know I’m an open book. I prefer personal interaction as opposed to internet sharing. I like to look people in the eye, hear their story, listen about their life and it opens the door to share my story as well. I like to think of myself as a positive person. I believe one of my biggest strengths is living a life with perspective and self-awareness. No matter the struggle, I try to always stop and see the beauty in life. I’m not going to lie, finding that beauty is a little harder these days only because my heart has been introduced to emotions I never felt before.
We all deal with our own personal struggle. My struggle is like so many others, I mourn the loss of my marriage. For those of you that have followed my work, or have been with me from the start you know that my husband was a driving force in my life. When my boys were born I felt like my life was complete…well for the most part. I didn’t want to become complacent or settle for just anything. I knew there was more to be done, new goals to set, and a family to praise. I was always the type of person to praise my family especially my husband. As a wife that was part of my role. I always encouraged, and yes I received the same praise and encouragement in return. Which is why our lives worked as well as it did for so long. I took pride in the fact that I was married for 18 years, that I spent half my life dedicated to loving my husband. My children were conceived in love and they were raised with even more love. These are just a few accomplishments that I am most proud of.
So what happened? What went wrong? Well to be honest, I don’t know. I have spent the last 18 months trying to figure it all out. And guess what? Nothing…I still don’t have all the answers. What I do know is Satan very much exists and if allowed will find his way even into the smallest of cracks to destroy what is good and pure. We all have our cross to bare, unfortunately for my ex, this is his.
So here comes my out of body experience. Shocked and ashamed I immediately retreated. I was terrified of what this new life would become. If I was so happy, almost to the point of feeling untouchable, what kind of life was I going to have now? I’m not the type of person that settles easily for a mediocre life, and for so long I felt that was my destiny. I thrive on happiness and the happiness of others that I love, how on earth was I going to function when I felt so unwanted. Just like any parent that tells their child to pick themselves up after falling, I had to do the same. I had to stop the negative thinking because I didn’t want it to manifest in my life or transfer to my children.
My ah-ha moment came when I learned to forgive. It’s no joke, forgiveness is an essential key in healing and repairing a heart. If you choose to replace love with bitterness and anger, it becomes nothing but an anchor in your life. I made sure going forward that I was going to think logically, react slowly and try to live with as much perspective as possible not just for my sake but for my children. At the end of the day my boys still had 2 parents that loved them very much. And even though our marriage didn’t survive, our friendship remained intact. Yes, I am friends with my ex-husband…shocking to most I’m sure. But also very necessary. It was important to compartmentalize and isolate this situation. We are both still outstanding parents, and I am adapting more and more to this new life and role. How is this possible you ask? Well it turns out that I am a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for. I’m not going to lie, the struggle is real and the pain still exists. But in no way does it define me or dictate my future. I know what I’m worthy of and what I deserve. And with that said, I have no intentions of settling for a mediocre life.